06/16/2000

A long-awaited revelation. How to begin?

I have finally realised what I’m worth, and I’m finding that my way of life contradicts my value. Pearls before swine, although that is rather harsh. I don’t know where I’m finding the strength to do this. I value this relationship over everything in the world, except my Self. I guess the Self always wins out in the long run, and so it should, but that doesn’t make this process any easier.

I need to be valued enough to be the only woman in a man’s life. If not this man’s, then someone else will have to come along, in time.

Until then? I didn’t enjoy depression the first time. I wonder if it gets better the second time around. I Love Lawrence. I’m still in love with him. BUT, I need to be valued. I can’t say, “her or me,” because I always told myself I would never force a man to make that choice. I am worth an exclusive relationship, though.

This isn’t a matter of choosing between two women, or at least it shouldn’t be. He needs to choose whether or not he wants to stay in his marriage. That choice should be made without the consideration of an outside relationship.

He isn’t thinking that way, though. The question he’s asking himself is, “Should I leave Victoria for Giselle?” rather than “Do I want to stay in my marriage, or do I want to leave?”

Old patterns, old patterns. How do I handle them, Shiva? If Lawrence remains married, then what we have here is over before it began.

I know; even I’m not convinced.

This isn’t a matter of morals or principles or anything as trivial as that. I have finally realised that I DESERVE a real relationship with a partner. I deserve a man who will call me and who doesn’t mind being seen in public with me, and who isn’t afraid of being caught. I need a man who will spend the night with me, who doesn’t say “I can’t do this” every time I place his hand against my body, and especially someone who doesn’t think it’s wrong to be in love with me.

I’m sure that Lawrence could be all these things if he weren’t so afraid. I can’t change him, though; I wouldn’t dream of it. If he isn’t ready, I’m not prepared to wait around until he is.

Giselle