05/01/2000

May Day! May Day!

I am so sorry for wanting what I want.

I’m sorry, Victoria.

I’m sorry, Kennedy.

I’m sorry, Bess.

I never meant to hurt you. I’m so, so sorry.

I Love him.

Giselle

04/25/2000

Dream: Ahh

-Mr. Dupont drives me home, and his car is old and blue and rusty and falling apart
-when he pulls into the driveway, I ask how he knew where I lived
-he reluctantly informs me that he’d seen the “bouquet” of flowers I had given Lawrence (this must have happened in a previous dream?)
-Mr. Dupont is concerned that the frost or rain will kill the flowers
-now I remember that the flowers were an assortment in a decorative pot

04/23/2000

Dream: Bus Fare (In Change)

-got on the bus to go to school and sat at the back, but the driver stopped and forced me (and some other people) off the bus because his religion was against the way I paid (in change)
-had to stay home from school for 2 days, but on the second day decided to go to University of Toronto
-stopped off at school to look for a map of Toronto because I didn’t know how to get to the university. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find a map, didn’t know how to get there

04/12/2000

Dream: Chester? Marry? Me?

-Wow. Telling dream. An old man is my mentor. He is nothing but derogatory, but very knowing and uses that knowledge against me
-he asked Chester to marry me
-Chester? Marry? Me?
-more than anything, I was excited to realise that Chester was back in my life. Wonderful man. Wise. More so than I. Enough that I am almost in awe of him
-Chester finds my lust for him sort of amusing, I think, and never gives me the impression that he’s flattered by it or needs my affection. Of course he doesn’t. He’s already married to a wife he loves
-my flirtation always seems to be greeted with a feeling of “Okay… moving right along…”
-funny that I am never insulted by that. I don’t think his intention was ever to insult me or hurt me, only put me off
-the dream turns lucid and I say to myself, “Chester is probably here to represent Lawrence.”
-I tell my mentor off for asking Chester if he wanted to marry me. “What? You did what? I don’t want to marry him. Why would you ask him that?”
-then I’m in a room with other people around, but who? Children, I think. They feel like children, though I can’t visualise them and I can’t remember what we were talking about

Lawrence has a therapist, Ms. Pape has a therapist, Christie’s been in therapy for years. All I have is Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant, a whole lot of Jung and self-help books from the public library.

What is it that I’d want out of therapy, if I could afford it?

Well, I want to be saved from myself, but I sense that is not a reasonable expectation. I want to be delivered from my guilt… from ALL my guilt. Oh God, that could take years! I guess I’ve been thinking of long-term solutions, primarily, but in the short term I would like not to be so sad all the time.

I want my drive back; I want to be a motivated person again. I want to WANT to be somewhere. If it’s in school, that’s great; if it’s driving a bus or whatever, that’s fine too. I just want to want something for myself.

I want not to have to be in control of everything.

I want to enjoy life again.

Giselle

04/11/2000

I know that you wish I could just disappear. I know sometimes you probably wish you could disappear, too. I also know that you want the part of your heart that still needs me to stop feeling.

It isn’t that easy. I am not going anywhere. No matter how hard you try, you will not alienate me. No matter how unavailable you make yourself, I am not giving up on you.

Giselle

04/10/2000

Oh, hi Lawrence! Could you care about me a little less? Because how I’m feeling really isn’t all that important. So, can you keep neglecting me, please? And don’t bother answering my questions; it’s not like I actually care how you feel about me.

Giselle

04/05/2000

To Dr. Sherbourne:

Do you even realize what you’re doing? My Lawrence only pulled you in because he needs someone to tell him he’s been a bad boy. Well, bravo, because you’re doing a fucking good job of that.

Who the fuck are you? What makes you think that you’re in any position to tell him he’s done something wrong? He hasn’t done anything at all! How dare you instruct him never to speak to me again? You talk to my Lawrence for one hour and you think you can take control of his life? I don’t think so.

What’s happening here? I just don’t know anymore. I’ve lost my centre. I’m so disconnected. I worry. I knew Lawrence would pull in a therapist who would just reflect his self-loathing back at him. What good does that do?

I hate myself. How could I have become such a failure? Why has nothing ever worked out for me? Why won’t Lawrence simply surrender?

And now he quite mournfully states that he can never speak to me again.

Why was I never good enough?

Where do I go from here?

Giselle