05/16/2000

Dream: Usurper!

-posters all over the walls, windows of the place (hall?) I’m in
-brightly-coloured, each a different shade
-black letters, big, on each one: USURPER!

What are the chances?

Honestly, what are the chances that I would go to the mall to interview for a retail job and the first person I encounter in the store is George? I had no idea he worked there. His initial reaction seemed like he would just keep walking, but then he made another choice. He took me under his wing and helped me find the hiring manager. We chatted and it was alright.

I guess George knows better than to hold against me the sins of the father—the sins of Lawrence.

As I waited for my interview, I encountered two men, one of whom was wearing a wedding ring. The three of us talked for half an hour, as though we knew each other. The married one seemed be very anxious to be acknowledged by me. They made me KNOW that I am a beautiful, desirable woman.

By the end of our chat, the married one seemed intent upon setting me up with the other gentleman, who did make an impact upon me, but didn’t seem to want to become involved in his friend’s game.

Regardless, I have their cards. They made me feel like a woman.

Giselle

05/15/2000

Lawrence,

Last year around this time, I asked you to state your intentions. At that point, you didn’t feel that you were in any position to answer my questions. You felt it would be inappropriate. And, while I realize I am still a student at the school where you teach, so much has changed since then that I hope you’ll consider answering.

So, this year I am going to make the same request. I feel that, by now, you must have at least a sense of where we are headed. I think I know, but I need to hear the words.

What are your intentions?

Have you taken the time to reflect upon the past year? If you haven’t, you should. When was the last time your life changed so much in one year?

Or maybe it isn’t your life that has changed; you have changed. The thought of how you’ve grown brings tears to my eyes. I know what a struggle it can be, and how painful at times, but all your angels see throughout the process is the splendour of a rose bud that desperately wants to blossom.

In time it will all unfold. Just let it happen.

I get the sense that my words don’t express the intensity of my emotion. I am very proud of you. You hear that? This is coming straight from my heart: I am so proud of you, Lawrence. I have challenged everything you’ve ever believed, and you’re still in one piece.

You treat me with respect even when you don’t understand me, and you’re patient with me when I don’t understand you. You took it upon yourself to play every role that needed to be filled in my life, and you did so with a grace and beauty of which you probably imagined yourself incapable. You have changed my life.

I know that you may doubt yourself sometimes, but I have always known that you are truly a good man.

You were alive more than thirty years before I was born. It has suddenly occurred to me that, in that time when you were alive and I wasn’t, I must have been your angel!

Giselle

05/10/2000

Dream: James Bond

-bad guys are the mayor from the sitcom “Spin City” and some other guys
-at first I’m a good guy, but then I join up with them
-most of the dream takes place upstairs by the computer
-I remember eating candy and trying to build a boat to escape James Bond

I feel so powerless. In the end, it makes no difference what I want because I have no say in life anyway. I have so much shame. The horrible things I have done! I deserve every bit of the pain I’m feeling. I’ve earned it. My actions warrant no less.

Who am I to feel jealous? Who am I to think that I’ve been wronged? I have taken something beautiful and made it as ugly as I am.

How could I have done this? I ruined it, I ruined it, I ruined it, I ruined it…

Giselle

05/05/2000

Dream: In My Room

-descending a long narrow staircase into my room
-it’s somehow supposed to be the bathroom, but it’s also my bedroom and TV sitcom characters are in there
-Frasier and Martin Crane are sleeping standing up against the wall, and they keep arguing with each other like nags
-Frasier keeps his sexuality in the freezer of an old fridge in my room
-on the floor, there’s a large canvas whereupon the sky is painted light blue. My synthetic cubist piece for art class is there too
-at some point, I have to write my art exam, but I can’t even remember my teacher’s name
-upstairs, mum has bought my brother slim Mexican cigarettes. You don’t buy a man slims

I’m not feeling. It’s a wonder that most people go through life like this when it’s causing me such distress. I’m not even conscious. Sometimes it amazes me that I even bother getting out of bed in the morning.

What do I do to make the world a better place? If I weren’t here, would anyone even know the difference? What’s the point in leaving the house, or waking up, for that matter? How do I help to alleviate the pain of those who are suffering? What impact do I make on the world?

Right.

If I ceased to exist, who would erect a monument in my honour? Some life.

What is wrong with me? How did I arrive at this place? I can’t believe that I’m such a wreck! And for what? It just doesn’t seem worth it. Life isn’t worth the trouble.

Giselle

05/04/2000

Poem: I’m Not Your TV Dinner

I’m not your TV dinner, you bastard.
Contemptuous thorn,
and you try to negate
That you vacuum-packed me
in cling-wrappy plastic
when I offered myself to you
on a plate.

And how dense am I?
It took months to discover
I’d been thrown in the deep-freeze.
You fear a new lover.

So what do you do
with this raspberry truffle,
so eager to be what you want?

Maybe I don’t even need to escape—
I’m sure Swanson’s
would envy my staying power—
when I travel the earth half-asleep,
half-awake,
Pretending I’m more than just Lady of the Hour.

Why wouldn’t I let the ice
nurture my wounds?
My veins are still burning.
My blood just won’t freeze.

I’m fighting, rebelling.
I’m stronger than you.
Don’t pretend you’re not
such a God-damn tease.

05/03/2000

Well, kiddo, sometimes you have to. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

but… but… but…

I know, BUT, you need to look out for yourself at this point. Your needs contradict his laws. So… prove to him that you can be trusted. No, even that isn’t good enough and you know it. Prove to him that his laws are not the laws of the Universe.

That’s quite a task and I’m not sure that it’s within my capabilities.

Everything is within your realm of capabilities. Remind him that he was prepared to meet with you July 1st before this legislation came into effect. Remind him of his heart’s desire, of his body’s desire. Remind him that he is loved and that he is beautiful.

Above all this reminding, though, surrender your relationship to God. Entrust it to the Universe. A force that holds galaxies together can certainly handle your relationship.

Giselle

05/02/2000

You moron! You bastard! How can you do this to me?

Shut up. Don’t patronize me.

Again with the lies. Again, withholding the truth from me. Again, I have to find things out from Christie after she hears them from Ms. Pape.

I don’t care about anyone’s legislation. That doesn’t concern me. But you should have been the one to tell me, Lawrence. You’re always complaining about all kinds of boring legislative, political, and academic stuff. Why wouldn’t you have told me that the province changed its rules about when a teacher and a student can begin a romantic relationship? Didn’t you think I would consider that pertinent information? Christie obviously did, if she went to the trouble of breaking news to me that she knew I’d find upsetting.

So, what happens to our July 1st plans? Obviously we can’t do anything, if the law says we need to wait a full YEAR after I graduate before we can be together. And I know you better than to think you’d ever break the rules. You care more about teaching than you care about me. We both know that.

Lawrence, I need you. Now! I’ve been so patient. You know I have. It isn’t fair to make me wait an entire year after I graduate. It’s hard enough to make myself wait until July. It’s killing me. I don’t want to wait any longer.

I can’t keep doing this. I love you now. NOW. I have been so patient. You know that. You’ve watched. You can’t take away my reward now. It isn’t fair. You can’t do this to me. I Love you.

I’ve been so patient for so long.

This isn’t fair.

Giselle