06/12/2000

Dream: AH! CLEAN! NOW!

-Hurry hurry clean the house fast now now hurry!
-my brother is having a birthday party and I’m cleaning the house like mad trying to get all the dishes put away NOW, running, rushing about
-my cousin comes over and comments that the table is wet—I’ve just washed it and there’s a black ring where water has obviously rotted the wood
-mum and my cousin leave to pick up a pizza
-Andrew is in the family room and we decide to have sex, so we go to my old room, which is somehow his, then I realise he isn’t Lawrence and we’d have to worry about birth control. Oh. So, no sex. Too bad. Maybe next time

It’s really incredible, when I think of it… how much I cried, and how hard it was to get out of bed and especially how much I hated being alive.

I don’t even know what changed. I just hope I never have to be that sad again. What an experience. At one point, I was crying all the time, and then after a while I wasn’t crying as much, but that’s when I stopped sleeping. I started taking St. John’s Wort because I knew I needed to do something to help myself. The first thing that did was improve my sleep patterns.

Eventually, I started feeling a bit less sad. I had a few good days mixed among all the bad ones. Then, I had some days when I didn’t cry at all. Soon enough, those days became weeks, and that’s where I’m at now. I don’t know if this is the end of the story, but I am very grateful to be feeling happy again.

Giselle