08/21/1999

Dream: “They”

-“They” are after me, although I’m not sure who “they” are
-I start out hiding in the shed, but I’m discovered
-I end up running all over the place

Me? Obsessive?

Sure! I’m the first to admit it, but Christie is of the opinion that one of my obsessions is unhealthy.

You got it: Lawrence.

Christie says I should ask myself “what I need from him.” Ugh. This could get ugly.

O.K. Why am I so obsessive right now, in this very moment? That’s a simple enough question to answer: I’m bored. In my boredom, I have settled into a place wherein Love is not prominent.

I admit it: I’m having a great deal of trouble Loving myself right now. My mother thinks everything I do is wrong, I don’t have a job, I’m afraid of failing Calculus again this year, I’m afraid of not being accepted into a University program, and I’m afraid that the people I Love will forget about me. Christie is going off to University in London, and if her cancer comes back full-force I may lose her completely. I haven’t spoken to any of my other friends all summer.

I suppose I want proof that this one person, whom I Love dearly, has not forgotten about me. What’s the use in having a mantra like “I am a Loved and Loving person for I stand in the Grace of God” when I don’t believe a word of it? No matter how much I turn to myself for that Love, I always end up turning back out again.

I Love this man.

I Love him.

I must now go to the Divine, as the source of all Love, and ask for guidance. I am Loved. I do Love. I must learn how to give this Love freely, and without fear of being hurt or misused. I must teach others to do the same.

I Love, I Love, I Love.

Giselle