08/30/1999

Dream: Hierarchy

-I’m talking to Christie and she just doesn’t “get it”
-I walk into the gym, see Ms. Pape, and say (practically to myself), “Some people just don’t understand”
-she says, “Neither do you”

I Love surprises. I was surprised today when Bess called to say, “We’re coming over!”

I gave her directions to Aunt Bay’s house and warned her I was dog-sitting, since both she and her father have allergies. Not only did they come regardless, they came bearing gifts: two chocolate brownies, a lovely silver ring from Bess, and an “I was just going through old books and I thought you might like this” French grammar text, as well as a letter to the Toronto Star, from her father.

I Love them both dearly; I didn’t express it, though, and I now feel somewhat ashamed for not being able to show my gratitude.

It was a strange visit, although I’m not sure why. Bess was casual; it was like having family over. I kept offering them food.

I didn’t say any of the things that should have been said; I didn’t tell Lawrence he could call any time and I didn’t comment on his physique. I don’t even remember looking at his face, except his eyes, which seemed a different… colour?

No, just different.

What beautiful eyes my Lawrence has. They’re blue. Not blue-grey like Jane’s or my father’s (of course, Jane gets her blue eyes from our dad); no, Lawrence’s eyes are a brilliant shade: clear like water, but they shine like aquamarine gems. Cold, perhaps, but certainly not for his girls; for Bess and me, they’re proud eyes.

I recall what his body looked like, what clothes he was wearing, what his legs looked like. He has nothing to complain about, where his form is concerned. Everything about him seems so small. It was strange, but I could look at him without seeing him. All is maya, all is illusion.

We drank lemonade, and then I left the dogs in the house while I took Bess and Lawrence for a walk down the ravine. They are not the heartiest stock, but they seemed very much to enjoy lazing on the fallen tree by the river.

This whole episode was an experience without being an event. It’s strange to say, but it might as well not have happened at all. I can’t figure out who was more distant: Lawrence or me.

Bess was very present, but she lives in the now. Nothing momentous took place; three friends just got together without knowing why. Oh well; I got a ring out of the deal.

Thanks, Bess!

Giselle