Well, everybody else seems to perceive a problem, so I guess I had better address it before it gets the best of me. What am I looking for in my current relationship? LOVE! (and company, tenderness and sympathy…)
I think I’ve got that already—feel, rather. Having trouble feeling these days. I should do a tarot reading for this one.
At the end of each day, the question remains: why am I emotionally involved with Lawrence?
I Love him. Why is that never a good enough answer? It’s the essential factor in any relationship. And what is he, really, for me? A man with whom I am in Love. Why is everybody scaring me away from something I was so sure I wanted?
When I told Aunt Bay how I felt about him, she said she almost threw up. I despise other people’s capacities to make me insecure.
I so wish I could discuss this with Lawrence. That whole morality clause of his is so inconvenient. Bad enough that he won’t engage with me, physically, beyond a few hugs here and there, but he won’t even discuss the possibility while I’m still a student. He won’t even talk about it, talk about US. He must know by know how much I Love him, but he won’t return the sentiment.
What kind of relationship is this, anyway?